Letting Go...

In an attempt to “unclutter” my life, I find myself cluttering up my mind with unnecessary and unfounded worry and anxiety. As our new home nears completion, I have to decide whether to sell my condo or attempt to rent it. In the meantime and as a way of transitioning into this new phase, I get home every night (usually at the crack 9:00pm) and make it a goal to throw something away. Instead of pitching everything at once during a big move, I’m choosing to ease into my new unknown world at my own snail’s pace. Of course, this usually leads into a personal battle of “should I or shouldn’t I” with certain things, but it’s a cleansing process I’m happy to go through. It’s just got me on a slight emotional roller coaster. I’ve been on my own for over 10 years now. I moved to Texas by myself, bought my first appliances and furniture by myself and even bought my condo by myself. I can toot the “I’m Independent” trumpet, but it’s not necessary to do so. However, now for the first time in my adult life, I’m moving to the next phase with the man of my dreams, thereby relinquishing some of that, “This is my place and I’ll do whatever I want with it” attitude. I can’t wait to begin this phase of my life. I can’t wait to donate my kitchen table that I’ve had for 10 years that still has nicks on it from playing “quarters” with my drinking girlfriends when we were 23 years old and living in our first house post-college. I’m anxious to give my perfectly decent couches to a family who is in much more need than me. Strangely enough, it’s the little things I’m having difficulty with as one can imagine…Photos that I’ve had on display of family and friends, a unique crucifix that was given to me as a gift, the framed autographed poster from the touring company of “Grease” that means nothing to no one except me, the caricature-type painting of my cat that only a mother could love, the old CDs and, yes, cassettes of certain artists that bring back some hellacious memories, old earrings and necklaces from past styles that are sure to come back someday, race shirts that I swear I’m going to turn into a quilt, a box of old tapes of my radio disc jockey days (I no longer own a cassette player), a small box of certain collectibles from my youth including a “Little Orphan Annie” doll and some Bugs Bunny/Gossamer collectibles (such an interesting monster, with an interesting hairdo), old magazines and newspapers chronicling important history in my short-lived life (Challenger, Princess Di, 9/11, etc)…How do you say good-bye to these little things? Or, do you say good-bye at all? I have absolutely no need for most of these items. Every couple of years I’ll open a box, smile, reminisce and then close the box. That box then gets moved to my next house. The pattern repeats. I’m not a rat pack by any stretch of the imagination. My house is very uncluttered. I am, however, sentimental and I attach emotions to certain inanimate objects that are special to me. Therefore, when I come home at night and try to “unclutter” my life by throwing certain unnecessary items out, it usually ends up being the bottles of ketchup and mustard that I’ve had in my fridge since 1998. Hey, at least it’s something. This week, I’ve recycled old magazines, donated clothes to Goodwill (I was so hoping stirrup pants would come back), thrown away about 10 half-burned candles with no wick, pitched some files and items from previous jobs that I no longer need and I’ve begun a used book pile that I’ll deliver this weekend. I’ve sold my old road bike and I’ll probably post a couple of other items on Craig’s List. I’m making progress slowly but surely. I can totally tell that I’m in that awkward moment of wanting to move on to the next phase, but not wanting to lose ME in the process. Like it or not…Understand it or not…certain items represent the person I am and I’m proud of that person.

How do people who have lost loved ones decide what and when to throw away? It boggles my mind that people have to do this through death, divorce and breakups. I’m just glad I get to do it under the most ideal circumstances.

Here’s to the next phase!

Workout: Slow 7 mile recovery job with Kim, Thon and Richard at 6:30am
Nutrition:
6:15am bread with PB and Honey
9:30am kashi, yogurt, berries
12noon--pita chips
1:30pm Firebowl-chicken stir fry with veggies and brown rice
piece of chocolate
3pm A damn rep came in and brought more chocolate so I had to partake!
7:00pm SUSHI!! Edamame, sake and glass of pinot grigio