About Me

My photo
Austin, Texas, United States
I'll make you laugh, or break my neck trying. This is usually accomplished with daily bouts of swimming, biking and running. A former "chub-a-holic," I got fit and healthy the good old fashioned way and went from a mid-pack athlete to top age group runner and triathlete. I'm a Writer and USAT Level 1 Certified Triathlon Coach. I guess that makes me part Tina Fey and part Jillian Michaels. Visit my coaching site at www.fomotraining.com

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

What Just Happened?

After T3 Spin class, Shawn and I had both scheduled 8:30pm massages. While Shawn wandered off into his Swedish experience with Kate, I was whisked away by Jorge, the Latin Masseuse Sensation.

Almost immediately, I was transported into the world of Jorge.

"Carrie," (he pronounced it like "caddy" in that Antonio Banderas kinda way). "How can I help you today?"

"Well, I run and do triathlons so please focus on my lower body like my quads, calves and hamstrings."

"What about your glutes, Caddy?"

"Ummm...sure. It can't hurt."

"Oh...It won't hurt Caddy...I promise. I won't hurt you." (slightly creepy vibe)

I thought it was a little humorous that he kept repeating my name and staring at me with those Latin almond eyes, but in normal fashion, I stripped down to my bottoms, hopped on the bed face down, covered myself and waited for Mr. Jorge to re-enter the room.

He returned.

"Miss Caddy...Do you mind if I turn on some of my music?"

"I don't mind at all. Anything is better than listening to Enya, or birds chirping in the background."

"Excellent. This is going to be great. You like?"

(insert boom-chick, boom-chick music). Turns out it was "Everything But the Girl." Most known for that song, "And I Miss You...Like the Deserts Miss the Rain." They have a lesser known Sade-inspired album called "Walking Wounded" that I'm sure is playing at any every club in South Beach as we speak. 

As he dimmed the lights and stood over me, he elevated his hands above me in what appeared to be a religious ritual and asked, "Caddy, do I have permission to touch your body?"

What I was thinking: "Dude, I'm laying on a table half-naked and I've already pre-paid for this massage. Get to touchin'!"

What I said: "I'm all yours..." (in an almost submissive way)

And with that, the experience commenced and I was under a spell while Jorge went to work. Within minutes, my muscles were stretching and relaxing. I felt like a piece of marble that Jorge was sculpting. Soon, he started to sing along with the music. Then he started moaning and grunting as he "dug deep" into some of my trouble areas. I was just a prop in the fantasy world he was creating in his own mind.

Several minutes passed and he was still verbally enraptured with his work. It was one of those"laugh out loud" awkward moments because I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be responding in the same way. 

"Dear God. My husband is in the next room. What must HE be thinking!?!"I thought.  I just continued to breathe deeply and silently as he worked my back and elongated every part of my spine.

After several minutes, he covered me as he turned me over to work on my front. Anything I said seemed inappropriate at this point.

"Caddy, are you enjoying yourself tonight?"

"Oh yeah..." (ewww. did that sound porno-ish?!) "I feel like I just grew three inches." (doh!! I did it again...please, please, please don't respond with a "me too.") He didn't.

The second half was more of the same. Jorge told me he worked on pro tennis players and I was getting "world class" treatment. The discretion of the covers became an afterthought for him as he massaged my hip flexors and quads into butter.

Finally, we ended with a head and face massage. It's a good thing I didn't care because he was running his fingers through my hair savagely and worked my neck with fervor.

"Relax your head Caddy...Relax your jaw...Let me take care of you..."

We came back to earth with another ritual similar to the beginning. He elevated his hands above my head.

"Caddy...Let's end our time with a positive affirmation...Live every day to be your best. Wake up and know that you are better and better each day."

I woke up from my massage-induced coma. As Shawn and I left the building, he said it was the best massage he's ever had.

"You have no idea..." I said.

I don't know what happened last night, but I need a cigarette.

I think we both got a Happy Ending.


Meredith said...

I think I need a cigarette after reading that. :)

triguyjt said...

Hey, let me light it!! Haha..

That was the funniest post Carrie...
Thats not a standard, pat remark..I mean it...Its hilarious...

So, this Antonio Banderas guy.. where the heck did you find him???

spit out coffee funny... great post...
Okay if I smoke a Cigar??

R. Jeffrey Davis said...

Carrie, that was the BEST post of the week for sure. I'm SO needing a massage now after reading that one. Thanks!

greyhound said...

Ah, Caddy. Your post . . . it touched me.

Yeah, my first massage I was all modest and left my shorts on; now, the only woman on the planet who has seen more of my butt and hip flexors than the massage therapist is my spouse.

a.maria said...


J. Garry Power said...

Please give me the full name and address of this guy, so my wife never sees him....ever!
Too damn funny!

Viv said...

Caddy, that was too funny. I read it twice because ummm well I am lonely now. LOL!

Does Jorge have a brother, maybe a Ferrrrnnnando in the Houston area??

Mike said...

What a perfect LOL moment you just gave me, I'll join you and Meredith with that cigarette.

Colleen Renee' said...

ok. I am at work and physically laughed out loud. Best. Post. Ever. Love it. Can I have the name and number for after my IM??


tracie said...

ok i'm officially coming to texas just for a massage from jorge!!!


Anonymous said...

All future massages cancelled until further notice.

The Hubster

Coach Tammy said...

Oh my. Um. Not sure what to say here. I'm a bit uncomfortable. Can I get back to you with my comment? ;)

Love the new header BTW. Runner Susan is da bomb!

TrainingtoTri said...

holy moly, how akward! I remember my mom being nice once bought my hubby a massage for his b-day and when we showed up it was a man and in typical guy style he wasn't very comfortable with that. But the massage ended up being really creepy and the guy kept moving his towel around and hubby had to keep covering himself up again.

Patricio said...

Hola Caddy.... LOLOLOL
OMG that was soooo funny! I was laughing about it for a while!
Great post Caddy! :)

muna said...

Um, can I still read this blog at work? More to the point, SHOULD I? I mean, how many times can people see me grinning at my computer before they start to scent that something is up? :)

Deborah said...

Wow Caddy, come lo ha fatto per trovare questa sensazione latina di Masus del posto!! Riparta prego le merci, suona come Jorge รจ appena di che cosa ho bisogno!!!

Share the love Caddy!!!

michelle said...

Oh Caddy...I am laughing so hard...um, can I get his name, number, etc. I think I might need a massage before CDA!!

Bullet said...

Tres Bien Caddy! I got read faced and embarrassed just reading this.

ShirleyPerly said...

OK, that's got to be the BEST massage story I've ever read. Will have to share it at the Bar soon!

The Lindsor said...

I just peed my pants a little.

Siren said...

First, lmao. Second, I need this guy's number. My massage therapist can't hold a candle to this!

Jade Lady said...

Caddy - where might I find this Jorge in Austin? And, how are the glutes feeling? :-)

Love the post - I need to treat meeeself to a jorge massage.. Funny though..I never like to do a massage, unless I participate in a big race, like after a marathon or somethin'.

Stef said...

Lol! This is great!

Flatman said...

Funny ass post. You have just won and "award" of sorts...see my blog. :)

21stCenturyMom said...

Caddy - let me thank you deeply for giving me one more reason to come to Austin.

Too funny.

Kona Shelley said...

Oh myyyyyy do you have his number?? hee hee..funny post!

Mark said...

Absolutely hilarious story!

My wife bought me a gift certificate for a massage at her chiropractor's office. The only massage therapist turns out to be not only a GUY, but a BLIND GUY! WTF? Ummm...yeah, so he touched me in spots that he shouldn't have, and then said, "woops, sorry". CREEPY! I think I got Punk'd!

Tea said...

ROFLMAO! I'll never be able to have a massage again without thinking of this! HILARIOUS.