About Me

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Austin, Texas, United States
I'll make you laugh, or break my neck trying. This is usually accomplished with daily bouts of swimming, biking and running. A former "chub-a-holic," I got fit and healthy the good old fashioned way and went from a mid-pack athlete to top age group runner and triathlete. I'm a Writer and USAT Level 1 Certified Triathlon Coach. I guess that makes me part Tina Fey and part Jillian Michaels. Visit my coaching site at www.fomotraining.com

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

JLo's Triathlon Advice

So, Nancy from T3 stopped me at spin class last night to let me know that my recent posts have been lame! Apparently, they haven't been funny enough for her taste. Thanks, Nancy! :-) Honestly, I haven't had many witty moments to write about.... until now.

Thank You, Jennifer Lopez!



By now, we've all heard that super-athlete Jennifer Lopez is training for her first Sprint Triathlon to raise money for charity. She was on "Good Morning America" bragging about this incredible feat (like she's the first). She's also teamed up with Self Magazine to dispense advice about training and racing through a blog. Yes, triathlon training advice from the star of the Blockbuster film "Gigli." I can't wait.

What tips can she give besides "Have your agents hook you up with celebrity trainers and clothing companies so that you can adequately look the part."

What other advice will J-Lo give in the next few weeks leading up to this already celebrity-filled Malibu Sprint Tri??

1.) Dig in your closet to find old spandex shorts from FOX "In Living Color" Days when you were just a "flygirl" backup dancer.

2.) Have Prada design a custom pair of running shoes to match the ridiculously large sunglasses.

3.)Purchase biggest bike saddle possible so that your entire ass will fit on it.

4.) When in the aero position, make sure cleavage is fully exposed for the cameras. Media needs to see how good you look after having twins. It will inspire women everywhere. I promise.

5.) After swim, have hair and makeup artists staged in the T1 area. After all, one can't be expected to ride your bike with wet hair and no makeup.

6.) Take in plenty of nutrition during the race while the cameras are rolling and then purge it when they aren't looking. You don't want the press to think you're getting fat. Plus, who wants to consume extra calories?!

7.) In T1, hold press conference announcing that you are changing your name AGAIN from "Jenny from the Block" to "Jenny on the Bike."

8.)In T2, change from old spandex shorts to the terrycloth track suit for the run. Ridiculously large sunglasses will remain.

9.) Make sure your personal assistant is at a waterstop ready to spray Evian mist on your face. Sweating is unbecoming.

10.) Stop just short of the Finish Line so that hair/makeup can be reapplied in the chute. The photo ops are much more important than a good speedy time.

11.) After crossing the Finish Line, proclaim that you've never worked harder for anything in your life and then hold another press conference that you and Marc Anthony are signing up for an Ironman.

Do it...I dare ya.

23 comments:

Karen said...

Freakn' hilarious.

This is a great post.

You forgot, "wear overly skimpy bikini on the swim so that everyone can marvel at your trainer-sculpted abs, toned legs, and milk-filled mammaries"

ShirleyPerly said...

Funny list!

Yeah, wassup with those humongous sunglasses?

Anonymous said...

You made me laugh! You are back in my good graces. I knew you could do it. - Nancy

Patricio said...

L O L funny!!!
Seems like tris are getting more and more popular... I mean even JLo is doing them?!??! LOL

PS - u such a fast runner!!!

Anonymous said...

funny carrie. :-) j

Runner Susan said...

are those glasses for real?

amybee said...

HYSTERICAL!~ You captured this really well.

My friend sent me the clip on YouTube. It was awful.

I suppose that, if you haven't done any of this before, that an 8 mile bike ride and a 2 mile run are good accomplishments, but if SELF had any SELF RESPECT, they'd find a real person to profile and not JLo.

Viv said...

You nailed it, babe!!
HAFLIPPINLARIOUS!

Borsch said...

LMAO

BreeWee said...

Okay, you got me laughing so hard I hurt! Hilariously funny... I am with ya on the shades too, I think the shades are to protect the eyes from the sun, not protect the WHOLE face (isn't that what sunscreen is for?)

Thanks for the good laugh!

ECrunnergirl said...

Oh yeah! Absolutely hysterical! My favorite...the extra large seat on the bike to fit the whole J-Lo booty. Maybe they will make a bike seat called the J-Lo booty bike saddle.

Rural Girl said...

This kills me! "terrycloth tracksuit"... that is my favorite.

greyhound said...

OK, but what's wrong with number 4?

Flatman said...

Don't be fooled by the rocks that she got!!!

:)

muna said...

The somewhat sad truth is that JL's triathlon advice will probably inspire way more people to get into it than all the hard core people training out there. Now, if Paris Hilton would just take up tri training, just imagine how many would flock to the sport! :)

tracie said...

lmao you are too much carrie! :)

Jim Smith II said...

Bang! Right out of the park with that post. Very funny.

triguyjt said...

great post.. tell your friend at spin class to zip it....you still got it sister...

meeeee---yowwwww
very funny..

now j-lo???holy mackarel..
can she swim???
i can see she can float..

meeeyow

J. Garry Power said...

Now all we need is Michael Jackson to sign up for one. Then wearing one cycling glove and moon walking through transition will be the new fad. Great post, just what I needed this morning!

Jane said...

hahahahaha

You forget about wearing large hoop earrings while racing.

Seriously, i do wonder if she'll wear makeup during the race since she is milking the publicity from this. is she doing the sprint or Oly distance? Does she know how dirty/sweaty we get??

Oh, and is it an open water swim?
Oops - JLo sorry I decked you in the head during the swim!

Dionn said...

Classic!! I love it!

I'm ditching my oaklies and getting some shades like hers!

aoc gold said...

The Star
(1)

Twinkle, twinkle, little star!

How I wonder what you are,

Up above the world so high,

Like a diamond in the sky.

(2)

When the blazing sun is gone,

When he nothing shines upon,

Then you show your little light,

Twinkle, twinkle all the night.
(3)

The dark blue sky you keep

And often thro' my curtains peep,

For you never shut your eye

Till the sun is in the sky.

(4)

'Tis your bright and tiny spark

Lights the traveler in the dark;

Though I know not what you are
Twinkle, twinkle, little star!

-----by aoc power leveling

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